its just emotions taking me over

hey surprise. i'm going back to st james to work. i really got mixed feelings about going back. happy because going back to a familiar workplace where i noe the collegues. disappointed because i really hope to be working in a job that is related to my studies which is either accounting or marketing. these 2 are my major.. i had hoped that working in either of this field can act as a platform in my career when i graduate. u noe, like i would hav at least 1-2 yrs of experience in that field already, like a better prospect of promotion and sorts. its like i'm already 23, where my poly girl frens would have already been in the workforce for 4-5 yrs already by the time i grad. indeed, some of them are doing very well in their line. i just cant seem to find a part time accounting job that can fit my sch timetable. sigh.

stayed back to study with uni frens today. so stressful. everything thats been taught. we just cant understand everything. i realise, at this level to understand 100% of a subject is just really impossible. i think i can only grasp 70%. the other 30% is just impossible for me. no matter how we read, from the subjects guide, to the lect notes, to the textbooks, to the additional readings. no matter how we concentrate and listen in lect, how we just jot down every single point the lecturer says. its really is just frustrating that its impossible to grasp everything. its is just so broad. we were tired and we started talking. den 2 of my frens we were the rather quite close kind. we were just craping when they commented that i seemed v unfrenly when i dun smile, like acting cool haha.. sigh.. i noe.. i noe. i perfectly know wat they were talking abt. anyway this is not the first time ppl had said that. but usually from ppl who dunno me i guess. its quite hurting u noe.. its like my face is like stern when i dun smile or when i'm seriously concentrating on something? its just the face i m born with i guess.. i didnt like purposely act it argh. who still has the energy when its like 10hrs in sch already. and why wud i do it if it doesnt make me more frens? duhz. i dun detest it. just that if ppl are interested in being frens, den they should make the effort to noe me better? friendships takes effort dun it? ppl who noe me, well enuff to an extent, noe that i crap and joke alot. i'm just someone who is normal hearted. someone who cant even entertain the thought of old ppl standing beside me without a seat on the train that i always giv up my seat. i'm just someone who is very normal, who just wants to do the right things in life. i can talk to jamie anything and everything. she sud noe. my close frens noe i'm full of nonsense. i noe its my expression when i m absolutely feeling normal that is like acting cool. but i cant change my face. haiz sometimes feel that its demoralising. To a stage that sometimes i feel like, since like that person think this way just by judging from my no nonsense look, den why not i just show this person wat is the 'maximum' dun heck care him or her 'face'(expression). after all, this is wat i do best. since when i dun even need to put an extra effort to my expressions already so 'dao' liao. now i just need to make a little more frown i think he/she will just shun me. great. another 'too bad no effort' fren just went past in my life.