its just emotions taking me over

hey surprise. i'm going back to st james to work. i really got mixed feelings about going back. happy because going back to a familiar workplace where i noe the collegues. disappointed because i really hope to be working in a job that is related to my studies which is either accounting or marketing. these 2 are my major.. i had hoped that working in either of this field can act as a platform in my career when i graduate. u noe, like i would hav at least 1-2 yrs of experience in that field already, like a better prospect of promotion and sorts. its like i'm already 23, where my poly girl frens would have already been in the workforce for 4-5 yrs already by the time i grad. indeed, some of them are doing very well in their line. i just cant seem to find a part time accounting job that can fit my sch timetable. sigh.

stayed back to study with uni frens today. so stressful. everything thats been taught. we just cant understand everything. i realise, at this level to understand 100% of a subject is just really impossible. i think i can only grasp 70%. the other 30% is just impossible for me. no matter how we read, from the subjects guide, to the lect notes, to the textbooks, to the additional readings. no matter how we concentrate and listen in lect, how we just jot down every single point the lecturer says. its really is just frustrating that its impossible to grasp everything. its is just so broad. we were tired and we started talking. den 2 of my frens we were the rather quite close kind. we were just craping when they commented that i seemed v unfrenly when i dun smile, like acting cool haha.. sigh.. i noe.. i noe. i perfectly know wat they were talking abt. anyway this is not the first time ppl had said that. but usually from ppl who dunno me i guess. its quite hurting u noe.. its like my face is like stern when i dun smile or when i'm seriously concentrating on something? its just the face i m born with i guess.. i didnt like purposely act it argh. who still has the energy when its like 10hrs in sch already. and why wud i do it if it doesnt make me more frens? duhz. i dun detest it. just that if ppl are interested in being frens, den they should make the effort to noe me better? friendships takes effort dun it? ppl who noe me, well enuff to an extent, noe that i crap and joke alot. i'm just someone who is normal hearted. someone who cant even entertain the thought of old ppl standing beside me without a seat on the train that i always giv up my seat. i'm just someone who is very normal, who just wants to do the right things in life. i can talk to jamie anything and everything. she sud noe. my close frens noe i'm full of nonsense. i noe its my expression when i m absolutely feeling normal that is like acting cool. but i cant change my face. haiz sometimes feel that its demoralising. To a stage that sometimes i feel like, since like that person think this way just by judging from my no nonsense look, den why not i just show this person wat is the 'maximum' dun heck care him or her 'face'(expression). after all, this is wat i do best. since when i dun even need to put an extra effort to my expressions already so 'dao' liao. now i just need to make a little more frown i think he/she will just shun me. great. another 'too bad no effort' fren just went past in my life.

Uncle. Laksa. mai hum.

nothing much has been happening recently, everyday jus go to sch, after that enjoy my weekly dose of the red half in manchester. no life ah u say. still finding my way thru the new modules.. but i believe i will come gd this yr. i realli hope so. this yr is all so important. all the subjects stand a credit point each. which class honours u ask me. stupid ppl need to work hard u noe.

alrite next, my lect mate jeremy he is so so infatuated by this girl in sch. he calls this girl his future. cos he dunno her name. and they share the same lect for msm. geez! the way i see it, he is so head over heels into her la. when we go home tgt, he will say how she look so cute today, how shy she look laaa. too bad no chance to talk to her laaa.... haha blah. call it fatal seduction. call it girl oogling instead of supposed to be like copying notes? sometimes on the way home he wud just smile for nothing. i ask him wtf? he say she is cute. okay. and then, sometimes he is jus low. i ask him wtf? he say he saw her in the bookshop but dun dare to talk to her. i think if i m that girl i wud just love him la. if not realli v the gung1 kor4. but hey, my fren here he has a target. well and then, i got this girl in my lect wearing a beckenbaur jacket. with a classic golden watch. one day she wears this, another day she comes in office wear crumpled like its just taken out from the washing machine after spinning it dry, but somehow it just looks nice. den another she comes in poc-dots from head to toes all so retro. den i tell jeremy, "hey that girl there... she's... interesting?" haha well.. actualli i'm just curious like what kind of person she is? why so interesting? u mean she owns such a broad range of fashion taste?? u noe, that kinda of curiosity.. from then on we just observe wat dress sense she's into today hahaha.. we are so lame. AND everytime when we enter the lt, i will be eager to check out wat style she's "into" today. AND always kana caught by her. opps. damn. that kind ya noe. then jeremy wud say : "eh go know her then u can ask her lor." then everytime i say: "huh.... dun want la..." that noob jeremy wud say i hum. zzZZZzz!!! i mean okay, she is the kind that makes me curious alright.. but how to just go up and say :"hey, er actualli... u got a interesting fashion sense...." "and by the way... where did u get the golden watch from? its like so cool..." duhz! okay la i hum la i say.. sadded.

so much of a struggle jusT for a meaning..

people stuggle too often. struggle to stay alive, struggle to make ends meet miserably, struggle to make everyone else happy, much as i like to.

but its hard to please everyone, and wat for? cos even when u finally suceed making everyone else ard u happy, theres still somebody in this world that is unhappy. and thats u urself. cos thats after tolerating all the shit in order to make others happy. some people just not worth it.

the struggle in life is just so much like treading water. keep kicking not knowing when u can stop, cos once u do, u sink.. jus deeper and deeper..

well, some people enjoy treading water, some just dun even wish to get into the pool. how abt u??