its just emotions taking me over

hey surprise. i'm going back to st james to work. i really got mixed feelings about going back. happy because going back to a familiar workplace where i noe the collegues. disappointed because i really hope to be working in a job that is related to my studies which is either accounting or marketing. these 2 are my major.. i had hoped that working in either of this field can act as a platform in my career when i graduate. u noe, like i would hav at least 1-2 yrs of experience in that field already, like a better prospect of promotion and sorts. its like i'm already 23, where my poly girl frens would have already been in the workforce for 4-5 yrs already by the time i grad. indeed, some of them are doing very well in their line. i just cant seem to find a part time accounting job that can fit my sch timetable. sigh.

stayed back to study with uni frens today. so stressful. everything thats been taught. we just cant understand everything. i realise, at this level to understand 100% of a subject is just really impossible. i think i can only grasp 70%. the other 30% is just impossible for me. no matter how we read, from the subjects guide, to the lect notes, to the textbooks, to the additional readings. no matter how we concentrate and listen in lect, how we just jot down every single point the lecturer says. its really is just frustrating that its impossible to grasp everything. its is just so broad. we were tired and we started talking. den 2 of my frens we were the rather quite close kind. we were just craping when they commented that i seemed v unfrenly when i dun smile, like acting cool haha.. sigh.. i noe.. i noe. i perfectly know wat they were talking abt. anyway this is not the first time ppl had said that. but usually from ppl who dunno me i guess. its quite hurting u noe.. its like my face is like stern when i dun smile or when i'm seriously concentrating on something? its just the face i m born with i guess.. i didnt like purposely act it argh. who still has the energy when its like 10hrs in sch already. and why wud i do it if it doesnt make me more frens? duhz. i dun detest it. just that if ppl are interested in being frens, den they should make the effort to noe me better? friendships takes effort dun it? ppl who noe me, well enuff to an extent, noe that i crap and joke alot. i'm just someone who is normal hearted. someone who cant even entertain the thought of old ppl standing beside me without a seat on the train that i always giv up my seat. i'm just someone who is very normal, who just wants to do the right things in life. i can talk to jamie anything and everything. she sud noe. my close frens noe i'm full of nonsense. i noe its my expression when i m absolutely feeling normal that is like acting cool. but i cant change my face. haiz sometimes feel that its demoralising. To a stage that sometimes i feel like, since like that person think this way just by judging from my no nonsense look, den why not i just show this person wat is the 'maximum' dun heck care him or her 'face'(expression). after all, this is wat i do best. since when i dun even need to put an extra effort to my expressions already so 'dao' liao. now i just need to make a little more frown i think he/she will just shun me. great. another 'too bad no effort' fren just went past in my life.

Uncle. Laksa. mai hum.

nothing much has been happening recently, everyday jus go to sch, after that enjoy my weekly dose of the red half in manchester. no life ah u say. still finding my way thru the new modules.. but i believe i will come gd this yr. i realli hope so. this yr is all so important. all the subjects stand a credit point each. which class honours u ask me. stupid ppl need to work hard u noe.

alrite next, my lect mate jeremy he is so so infatuated by this girl in sch. he calls this girl his future. cos he dunno her name. and they share the same lect for msm. geez! the way i see it, he is so head over heels into her la. when we go home tgt, he will say how she look so cute today, how shy she look laaa. too bad no chance to talk to her laaa.... haha blah. call it fatal seduction. call it girl oogling instead of supposed to be like copying notes? sometimes on the way home he wud just smile for nothing. i ask him wtf? he say she is cute. okay. and then, sometimes he is jus low. i ask him wtf? he say he saw her in the bookshop but dun dare to talk to her. i think if i m that girl i wud just love him la. if not realli v the gung1 kor4. but hey, my fren here he has a target. well and then, i got this girl in my lect wearing a beckenbaur jacket. with a classic golden watch. one day she wears this, another day she comes in office wear crumpled like its just taken out from the washing machine after spinning it dry, but somehow it just looks nice. den another she comes in poc-dots from head to toes all so retro. den i tell jeremy, "hey that girl there... she's... interesting?" haha well.. actualli i'm just curious like what kind of person she is? why so interesting? u mean she owns such a broad range of fashion taste?? u noe, that kinda of curiosity.. from then on we just observe wat dress sense she's into today hahaha.. we are so lame. AND everytime when we enter the lt, i will be eager to check out wat style she's "into" today. AND always kana caught by her. opps. damn. that kind ya noe. then jeremy wud say : "eh go know her then u can ask her lor." then everytime i say: "huh.... dun want la..." that noob jeremy wud say i hum. zzZZZzz!!! i mean okay, she is the kind that makes me curious alright.. but how to just go up and say :"hey, er actualli... u got a interesting fashion sense...." "and by the way... where did u get the golden watch from? its like so cool..." duhz! okay la i hum la i say.. sadded.

so much of a struggle jusT for a meaning..

people stuggle too often. struggle to stay alive, struggle to make ends meet miserably, struggle to make everyone else happy, much as i like to.

but its hard to please everyone, and wat for? cos even when u finally suceed making everyone else ard u happy, theres still somebody in this world that is unhappy. and thats u urself. cos thats after tolerating all the shit in order to make others happy. some people just not worth it.

the struggle in life is just so much like treading water. keep kicking not knowing when u can stop, cos once u do, u sink.. jus deeper and deeper..

well, some people enjoy treading water, some just dun even wish to get into the pool. how abt u??

years fly by

it my bdae today.. hope for all e best.. and happiness to my friends and family..

Evil Nature

I no longer know what is the sun like when it scorched my back.

No longer know how it feels like washing myself in my sweaty red devils jersey.

No longer feel the wrath of my thunderbolt booties.

No longer, feel that my heart skip that beat. alongside any certain somebody.

These days, everything is numb.. too perplex to hav any certain feelings..

Utterly convinced that i live this life to the max. with no intermission between periods.

For i wont see day turn to night. neither how wonderfully the sun rises.

and yet the struggle for freedom of this wrangle persists.

When nature wants to drill a man, and skill a man.

When nature wants to mould a man to play the noblest part.

Uncompromisingly, she yearns with all her heart to create so great and bold a man.. that all the world shall praise..

Watch her method, watch her ways.

How she ruthlessly perfects a man she royally elects.

How she hammers him and hurt him and with those lowdown blows that converts him into shapes of utter sad fuck which only nature herself understands.

When nature wants to wake a man. When nature wants to make a man to do heaven's will.

With what cunning she prepares him. How she happily gloats and never spares him, how she whets him and frets him and in poverty she cursed it upon him.... How she often disappoints those whom she sacredly appoints.

When nature wants to name a man, fame a man.

When nature shames that man so to make him do his heavenly best....

She tries the highest test that her cunniest may bring.

When she wants a god or king. She reins him and restrains him, keeps him yearning for ever more, to induce his ever burning desire to stand out.

She lures and lacerates his soul. cast a jungle in front of him, so that he clear it, casts a desert on him, so that he fear it.

Come on. Subdue it if he can.

Watch her purpose, watch her ways.

Fools are those who called her blind.

When he walks his feet torn.. toes bleed and bruised, his spirits dun heed. His hopes burn in the presence of defeat.

Crisis! crisis! The people beseeched salvation.

A leader heeded the call.

Then nature she showed her despicable plan.

The world has found this man.

Evil nature.

everything comes to end for this period.

Finally, all is over, no one can imagine the stress at this school, where tons of ppl nt studying here always tot we buys that piece of shit crap.

for the first time, first time in my 16 yrs of studying, i must admit i've been made to slog to my limits. nothing hav ever pushed me tat hard.. oh, nt even close. well, just cudnt compare to my poly days at all.. now, this exams left my a little shocked, a little surpised..

shocked by the intensity, by the high standards.
suprised by the unexpected discoveries of my strengths, and of cos my weaknesses.

sociology paper, big hoo haa. newspaper, news.. students crying outside the exams hall. tat who i tot was a gd fren of mine gave me the crapiest thing i ever heard. watever conflicts i take it like a man, a few days later i will go b joking w him. its just tat i had my reservations nowadays ever since turf club job incident.

and now that sentence sudn b said. it convinced me. he, misplaced our frenship. he sud noe some campb, i dun look back. a man has consequences he has to bear for actions he does. like me, if i studied harder earlier in the yr, i sud had been aiming first class, unlike now hoping for that bonus 2nd class instead.

anyway true frens takes time to show, its a pity it took so long and diden show. but, i'm realli glad tat a few brothers sup me. patrick lee kar keng is a seebee. heck care 'father' type. but he sup me. happy. realli nvr waste i sup him when he at his lowest.

ppl say the most 幸福 thing that can happen, is to find someone that u love. but so? u busy shag from outfield. pegassus. buckspeed. swiftarrow. safka. tigerjack. giantbuaya. type also so many. go thru them worse than typing 100,000 times. no time go out. she screw u. leave for france. u think she will sup u. frens u busy v long nvr see dem.. nvr call dem.. they sup u. so which one more 幸福? think abt it.

tell me tt i stil live..

i've nvr imagined switching from a discipline to another can be as tough as it is...
true i've struggled..

sometimes i wondered.. nut, hey but i'm still an associate engineer to say e least. period.

why am i not going out and start earning my 2k.. why am i not going out to finally get out of this cycle tat revolves ard the money makes e world goes round..

i constantly struggle with myself. its a struggle for freedom n yet.. its another burning desire to try to make the best outta my life.. i diden think life wud b so fragile til WTC fell.. oh yes.. being blond deserved to be bombed anyway.. den they said allah told them to.. i can imagine allah's embrassement. when he saw jesus at pearly gates.. and all he cud say is : bro really not me..

this yr has been a tough 'adaption'. like a commando.. i tried blending into these foreign bases.. sometimes i feel my courage left me.. the courage of soldiering on.. inspirations left me for dead.. its just so disheartening..

now my papers are nearing.. not only i wan to get them off the blocks.. i wan to keep them right up there.. where another day of showcase fills my stone cold heart with pride..

after then i will keep that physco piles of tree-made rubbish.. locked in a cupboard for a sentence of a period.. on a charge of serial murders of my countless nights of sleep..

i cant wait to see the sun again..

i must die another day

hey guys,

i'm back for nw... haha.. i noe aze's complaining i din update my post for soo long.. lol.. been v v stressed... exams coming in 3 wks.. realli...

after exams i going to enjoy myself :P i realli hope i can..

aite.. yup busy, but still, i jus cant suppress e poetic blood tat flows within me. i just cant post something simply.. sometimes i suspect i'm of italian lineage or sth likedat.. hey well.. actualli, its jus the random tots tat jus wun leave my mind alone..



The day light breaks once again..

Another day has begun... but still no sleep has arrive...

My torso weary.. my mind overworked.. i lie awake reminiscing...

But of what I am unsure...

I need to break free from the cycle I endure..

Everyday is the same and the nights are undistinguished.. I feel as though I am being pushed along with the tide, Unable to break free from the everyday flow.

I need to be freed from the grasp of ordinary.. And become that person I have always longed for.. Express myself in every way, and conquer the dreams as I lie awake.

Then I may fall asleep and put my mind to rest..

Burn.. burning to make changes in my life and help pitiful souls in tis cold and materialistic world.. how noble n wonderful it wud be to touch everyone's life in a positive way..

And leave my mark on this society.. before I fade away..

LoSt SeAson II

its been so longg..

so long that i forgot my name... that for glory.. i no longer know wat i'm doing..

second time in my life.. second coming.... cross roads has became an dead end..

i nvr felt so lost.. gd luck to me. gd luck to the events coming up.

for tonight.. thou shall not pass this path...

that.. of an indescribable evanishment..

save me.... awaits a saviour in e name of serenity..

for i need it.. that badly...

原来我们是最熟悉的陌生人

只怪我们爱得那么汹涌

爱得那么深

于是梦醒了

搁浅了沉默了挥手了

却回不了神

如果当初在交会时能忍住了激动的灵魂

也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里... 沉沦..

chronic invalidity

I dun really like the zone.. din like the fact i stayed in the cone..
Far across tis river.. that piece of land...

I yearned to go there to seek new beginning..
A new endeavour, something that is vinny style...

all these days of reminisce..
only realised that regrets made this game get deeper...

within the walls of these confinements.. beyond these apirations..
there lies incredible fire.. that cud burn any confession..

confessions not abt disclosure of sins.. but abt absolutions..
absolutions not abt freedom of guilt.. but abt true release of my mind..

now whenever i swam.. i swam hard..
only fault myself not getting a buoy..

in my dreams.. he told me its not abt the buoy..
but the season's tide..

all my might.. i flapped...

one day..

one day.. i will swim accross this river..
into that piece of vast.. to seek a new beginning...

beddy

Once upon a time... There's a boy named Alex.. His father worked in the shipyard. And he too followed his father at a young age.

One day, A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another,
but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought
in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young boy.
He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately
went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would
know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into
his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something.
Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away.
The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the
old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT WAS THE BREAK DOWN????
Alex n his father read the bill that states:
Tapping with a hammer. ............. . $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap..........$ 9,998.00

the moral is,
Effort is important,
but knowing where to make
an effort in your life makes the difference.

brainy ToTs~~

whew.. sch reopens. and theres accts test coming up the very first week! ok, nvm cos i had it covered. just. i mean. at 2.21am. hey but still early. decided to get a new post in.

din sleep well last nite.. the air con kept swtiching off by itself.. it kept waking me up in drops of sweat. haha. think my air con needs some servicing soon man.. or mayb get a proper fan in case..
think i only slept abt 2 hrs actually..

today got a full day in sch plus the trip to relc to pay my exam fees. surprisingly i'm not that tired now too. ya noe, the trip to relc today also signifies exams is nearing, forcing its way into my schedule come may. stress building up eh..

life is an never ending learning process, cos no matter how u learn to cope with stress, still u cant perfect it. hahaha... true not true.

my fren said to me, "tough times dun last. tough man do." this, i feel is crap. tough times dun end, after sch, its work stress, then its ur own family. its abt adopting different ways of coping with those times, at different stages of ur life.

therefore, only the sentence life is a never ending learning process is true. my stance now is, at this stage, whenever, i'm stressed, i jus go to sleep.

the NEXT day, i wake up with renewed determination. bcos the human mind works jus likedat. sleep can remove some of the sadness, happiness, emotions, stress, that u were feeling last night. its like, the joke u found so funny last night, dun seem so funny the next morning after all. right? its like the brain reconciles watever feelings u were feeling before the sleep and adjust it to a more neutral scale the next morning.

and it really works for me, tried n proven. i'm glad i found my stress relief! til next time, Au Revoir.

Of em0tions n grets

是我自己错误的决定 ...

ThiNKer BellS.. thiNKing All the wAy.......

Merry Xmas!

hey, tis xmas is the least happening one.. but tis year is a important year =) an important year to end. oh, and yes come jan, i got somethings that i wanna fufil. like my resolution bleh..

looking forward to the next year. faster come!!

HOHOHOHOHOHO..
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH....
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH........

Merry Merry Merry!!

JusT SwiMMing iN Troubled WatErs....

its been more than a week..

god, i'm so slack nowadays.. prison breaking, writing death notes, walking on the street til late into the break of dawn..

yeah man. i just tell myself to relax this month for i'm going to need tons of chocolate to destress.. judgement day is getting closer day by day.. i dun need a judge. but, i'm judged by the society. get in.. get in and be judged. com'on.

Hey, i really need somebody to be there.. really.. sometimes i cant make it on my own..

til next time.

reSt my imAgination god of scripts..

my imagination jus doesnt leave me alone..

first i did some english lit kinda prose.. n then last wk a extraordinary post on turf club heroes. shit i'm gone case.. i sud had taken on a degree with script writing. all my ideas are so out of the world that i'll b rich very soon. haha chill..

i mean chill. er, to myself.. i need to focus on my work man.. weekends are meant for work nowadays.. i dun even hav much chance to hang out with frens.. cant even hav my soccer sessions on sun morning le..

gotta do tuts after reach home from work ya noe.. jus hope they understand.. someone asked why i 'MIA' for a month. but, funny thing is sometimes jus hope ppl will call me out.. so i can hav a reason to force myself out man.. cos i jus cant find excuse to relax myself. hahhaha..

ya noe, some frens think i really crap alot.. full of nonsense.. but all i wan to do is to entertain them, make them happy n laugh.. it also relieves my stress n makes me happy.. i can laugh crazily sometimes.. but, after that i feel so much better.. my way of destress.. anyway they must hav missed my shit. haha.. being alone, i really think v impt things.. too much for me to take myself at times.

hey but its all worth it.. i really grew v independent this couple of years. no money from mum, resist using my dad's car. phenomenally, revising sch work myself.. cant believe it myself either..

nowadays, sim is renovating to build an escalator.. evrything is changing, so much so i feel i've changed too. actually another reason for behaving crazily is my inability of getting over my past rship. well, its jus another typical sad love story u will see on tv man.

however slowly.. but surely, i'm feeling better n better as time goes by.. been one n a half yrs since.. come to realise wat ppl said is true abt 'time heals all wounds' though its a pity..

slowly.. but surely.. feeling better n less negative..

dunno why last sun nite, smoking by the window when its raining.. suddenly tis tot 'she's gone, accept it bcos too bad u have to serve,' 'jus take it as our rship din pass the test of time. anyway both of us are wrong in handling alot of things too. lets learn fron this, lets move on ba.' didnt dare entertain tis tot all along for so long.. suddenly when tis feeling came out from my brain juices.. theres an immense feeling of relief.. i guess tis time i'm really ready to untie that expired dead knot which cant be undone so long for unknown reasons..

maybe everything will turn for the better soon.. mayb.. dad will get a job..

AnOther "OnE oF thosE dayS"...

its one of those days...

one of those days... that i reach home feel like collapse in the bath room toilet. err.. n slp.

one of those days... i have to force myself on her... oh i mean it,, the tutorial sheet..

one of those days.... when i reach hm, its a cave for bats... here nothing holds true...

one of those days... turning to this blog, e only place where i'm true..

one of those days... u jus said u wanted ice.. so i made u freeze..

one of those days... had to convince myself, this whole place is fucking blissed..

one of those days.

its jus one of those days ur on the brink of falling.

hMm.. theme: why dO i lOve her..

She moves.. in beauty.. of cloudless n starry skies.
beauty.. oh wat black beauty.
i cant, cant take my gaze off her aspect and eyes.
thus mellowed by her tender light..
where thoughts serenely sweet flash my mind..

enticed, clearly enticed..
by the way she's above me..
not the way she embraces..
like sweet love, her gazes mesmerized.
we must hav shared a thousand words..

gone, i'm not wretched..
she jus has to go.
true, not true at all.
she din leave for some else.
enticed, just enticed..

The smiles that win, the expressions that glow
one shade the less.. one ray the more..
however much, however solaced..
cant hold her to stay jus the moment..
but wat rendezvous..!

she moves.. oh, so ever gracefully ..

Theme: dreAm aNother dAy

someone's mus b sayin a prayer.. sayin that something mus see me thru..
i got a new job. happy. no need to see those punters le. dun need to endure spitters in front of my counter.. hahaha.... dun need to get cough n flu for wks... by all the germs.. eeeyerrrr.

pale moonlight. someone's thinking of me. oh, how very sweet.
yah.. i accidentally took my fren's lect notes b home.. hahaha... too rushy. gotta start work on time mah...

even though it seems how very far apart we are. who knows we might b wishing upon the same bright star.
okie.. i will bring it next lect la... dun gan jeong la.. hahaha...

when the night starts singing e lonesome lullaby. alas.. me and my aspirations still slping under the same dim lit sky..

"outwit, outplay, outlast"